Language is wonderful, but also tremendously complex. In a world of instant reactions, TikTok takedowns, and public corrections, many of us hesitate, worried about saying the wrong thing. So, what is the right thing to say?
The Neurodiversity movement is a place of refuge for those seeking acceptance, representation, and a place at the table. At the same time, for those trying to learn, it can sometimes feel overwhelming to know exactly what to say or do. I wish that I could recommend that you just “be kind” with everyone you meet and talk to, but everyone’s version of kind is a little bit different. A quick search will often reveal conflicting messages about what to say or do.
Despite this, I beg you not to avoid or fear an interaction with an autistic person. Should you do this, you are bound to miss out on a wonderful experience. The autistic people that have passed through my life have been as varied as the grains of sand that make up the beach — all sharing similar qualities, all shining bright in the sun, but all with unique characteristics, varied environmental conditions, and challenges in their path. The adage of “when you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism” rings true. You cannot (or at least should not) draw conclusions about all autistic people based on previous experience.
So how can we approach these experiences? Let’s break it down into a few pieces, starting with your approach.
- Do not run up to them and try to immediately shake their hand or high-five them, but at the same time don’t stand far back from them in a way that signals fear or discomfort. Approach them and greet them in a warm manner. Smile and say “hello” and use their name (if you know it), look at them and then WAIT for the response.
That response is going to be the key to how to proceed! They may not respond at all. This could be because they cannot, but it could also be because they are not ready or willing to. If there’s a person with them, they may also give you some clues, such as, “This is Elliot, he’s non-speaking.” At that point, you can look at Elliot and say, “It’s nice to meet you, Elliot! I like your shirt.” Just because they cannot or are not ready to communicate with you, does not mean that you should then ignore them.
- They may glance at you, they may look at you, or they may not orient towards you at all. Do not try to move so that you are in front of them, or ask them to look at you, or assume they are not listening because they are not showing eye contact or orienting their body towards you. If they are smaller than you, you can kneel or crouch down to be more on their level, but again, do not try to force that eye contact.
- They may talk to you. They may talk A LOT! One of the most tried and true methods of communicating with neurodiverse people involves asking about the things they are clearly interested in. If you know about their special interests, feel free to add, but if not just show that you are interested and let them tell you. Remember to maintain boundaries, though. If you have an appointment or other event that you must get to, you might have to politely cut them off at some point and let them know it was so great talking to them, but that you need to go. If they are non-speaking and have a person with them, that person may tell you more about things they like or how they like to communicate.
- They may have difficulty with personal space. They may get very close, they may touch your clothes or hair, they may repeatedly shake, hold or high-five your hand, they may try to touch or take the thing that you’re holding, and they may even try to climb on you or hug you. These situations can be difficult, but it is important to maintain your own boundaries in a clear and kind way. “Let go please” is better than “Oh, can I have some personal space?” Often if they are prone to touching/getting close they will have someone with them who can guide you, but getting frustrated or angry will only worsen the situation.
- Something about you may bother the individual – it could be the smell of your cologne or shampoo, it could be the cadence or tone of your voice, it could be something that you’re wearing or holding. Or it could just be something that is happening in the room or space that you are sharing with them, a noise or tone or light or smell. They may also be anxious and/or unsure. Either way, do not press this. If the person is someone you will be spending a lot of time with, then you will be able to work with others in the person’s life to figure out how to build a relationship. If this is just someone you are meeting in passing, you may have to say “OK, bye!” and walk away. Not every interaction will feel like a win.
Finally, let’s consider some general things to try and to avoid during these interactions. I urge you to remember to say what you mean, as long as it’s not cruel, diminishing, or mean. Our regular language is full of idioms, metaphors, and comparisons. Saying something like “I could really use help with these dishes” is the polite way of asking someone to help you. Saying, “please wash the silverware” is more clear.
Talking about the person’s autism is rarely a good idea. It may feel like a compliment to say that they “must be high-functioning” or that they “don’t look autistic,” but these are very loaded and potentially insulting statements, as they diminish the experience of the person.
I know that this can feel daunting, especially in a world that often feels quick to judge and slow to forgive. But meaningful connection has never come from getting every word exactly right—it comes from showing up with curiosity, respect, and a willingness to learn. You do not need to be perfect to connect with an autistic person. You just need to be present. Follow their lead. Be clear, be kind, and be willing to adjust. If you do that, you won’t just avoid saying the wrong thing, you’ll create space for something far more important: a genuine human connection.
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| Do | Don’t |
| Talk with a warm, kind tone directly to the person. | Talk to their caregiver instead of the person
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| Assume competence: just because they may not speak does NOT mean that they are not intelligent. | Assume lack of speech means lack of understanding. |
| Listen to autistic voices. | Assume one person’s preferences apply to all autistic people |
| Give the benefit of the doubt; don’t assume rudeness or intent. | Use a baby or sing-song voice, or patronizing terms like ‘buddy’ or ‘kiddo. |
| Follow their cues for what to lean into and what to avoid. | Expect or insist on eye contact |
| Be clear and direct with requests, as Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” | Use indirect language. Idioms, metaphors, and insinuations can be hard to interpret |
| Talk about their interests, especially what you know they enjoy. | Refer to a person as “high” or “low” functioning |
| Take your time in conversation and give them a chance to respond. | Flood them with questions |
| Many autistic people prefer identity-first language (‘autistic person’), though preferences can vary. | Generally, “people with autism” is less preferred. |
| Respect communication differences, these can include signing, using an AAC device (usually is/looks like an iPad) | Comment on their level of autism, how surprised you are that they have autism, or how they must be high-functioning. |
Rob Harvey, M.Ed., BCBA, LBS, has been part of KidsPeace since 2003 and currently serves as Director of IBHS-ABA Services in Pennsylvania. A Board Certified Behavior Analyst and Licensed Behavior Specialist, he has extensive experience supporting autistic individuals and others with developmental and behavioral challenges. Rob is passionate about fostering meaningful social connections and empowering individuals through compassionate, evidence-based practices. He also integrates storytelling and creative approaches, including therapeutic gaming, to support skill development and engagement across a range of ages and abilities.
